This post is going to be fairly personal. But unashamedly so.
I was facetiming a close friend of mine last night, she is in the early stages of a breakup and I was giving her any advice I could. She simply said to me ‘how did you do it?’. No one in our close circle of friends had yet gone through that pain of heartbreak. So, in some ways, I did have to deal with it alone. I put on a brave face, most of the time, keeping swimming thoughts in my mind. But, I had the assurance that I could always tell people when I am not okay. My university gals and my home gals were always there for me when I needed them most.
One of the best pieces of advice that I could give, and something that I wish someone could have told me, was that you should never apologise for your feelings or for expressing them. I have always worn my heart on my sleeve so expressing how I feel has never been difficult for me: hence this blog post. However, I still feel guilty for expressing how I feel. That, in some way, I am seen as weak or oversharing? Essentially a soaking wet flannel. But, I remind myself that it’s a good thing, as I am a human, and its better to release than bottle things up.
During a break up, you should never feel bad or beat yourself up for feeling shit about the situation. If in the early days, a few months later, or years down the line. Even if you have dated other people, you may find yourself missing them for a couple of hours because you found an old photo, or saw something that reminded you of them. Nostalgia is normal, you were incredibly close with that person for a long amount of time. Getting over someone is not linear and never will be. You shouldn’t equate to how long you spent with them to mirror the amount of time you spend grovelling over them. Whether you were with them for five years, five months or five weeks – it simply does not matter. Any form of rejection will sting. Even if you broke up with them, you are still allowed to feel hurt and miss them. Break ups are never going to be simple, it will feel like a war with your emotions for a long time and trust me, it hardly ever can be rationalised. Try to forgive yourself as much as you can before you can forgive them.
Another piece of advice that may make things easier:
– If you feel like you are going to message them, message a friend and literally just let out all your thoughts and anger. Your friend won’t be able to give the answers that you desire but neither will your ex. Your friends can console your feelings and elevate you whereas your ex will only aggravate and bring you down. However if you do end up messaging them please do not run yourself into the ground with self-deprecating thoughts about how ‘weak’ or ‘psycho’ you are. EVERYBODY is a little bit ‘psycho’ – when you love someone or care for someone you are naturally going to be protective over them. You have put them first in your life therefore you rightfully should ask to be put first in theirs. At the end of a relationship you will still have that tendency to prioritise them therefore you expect, even though you know you shouldn’t, that they would think the same. I hate using the word ‘psycho’ anyway because that gives such negative connotations and stigmatises mental health. However, because sadly it is a term that has been approbriated and is understood by our generation to be a clingy, protective, and emotional person. I have had to use it as a short cut because that is what everyone understands it to be.
All in all, I personally think every situation will make you stronger. To quote the wise words of the high priestess of pop cultre, Kim Kardashian: To all strong women, may we know them, may we be them, may we raise them.
How I ended this conversation to my friend was: